It may or may not be apparent that I describe much of myself in technological terms. Growing up around computers and electronics made it easier to identify with machines over humanity. I think, tonight, I will continue the pattern.
To visualize my emotional construct, first imagine a circuit board. Now imagine taking that circuit board and firing a few bullets though it. Then douse the board in an acidic solution. The end result will be cracked, broken, full of holes, and warped. That is an accurate description of my emotions. Somehow they still function, but the connections are random and nonsensical. I suppose a few examples are in order.
I just completed an episode of a random, stupid television show. The plot was dumb and the acting pathetic. However, during the episode I saw a woman smile. The way the little wrinkles formed around her mouth reminded me of someone. Immediately I wished I could cry. Sadly, that section of my emotional circuit board was hit by a bullet. It has been a long time since I could cry.
Other times electrical jolts fire through me. Some people think I am simply itching, or trying to pop a vertebrae. Unfortunately, the cause is not skeletal or dermatological. Sometimes I get a... feeling or thought that is so bloody intense that I twitch from the pain. It's like being hit by lightning, only it happens several times a day. A short in my circuits throwing amps into incorrect places.
Any positive emotion has been obliterated. Maybe obliteration is not the correct term. Through the years they have atrophied to the point of uselessness. So now I must suffer through my days and nights without feeling anything but negative and painful emotions. But... it is to be expected given the damaged nature of my emotions.
I suppose this post has no point. I'm just venting because it is night, and as always I am alone and depressed.
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